Back a step maybe

It feels like it’s taking all my strength to get out of my rut, but everytime I seem to get better another holiday comes along.  Right after my mom passed away we had Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year.  February we had James’ First Birthday and my Grandma’s 90th birthday – both parties I thought I would have had my mom with me to help plan.

Now we’ve had Easter and when I think ahead, I still need to get past May 2nd (which was her birthday) and Mother’s Day a week or so after that. It seems like an endless string of memories that I need to deal with all at once, and they just get me down.

I’m still trying and doing good – I’m trying to refocus all this pain into being constructive and bettering myself. Everyone keeps saying how proud my mom is of me and, honestly, I hate hearing it though I know they mean well.  Mom never took care of herself so I’m pushing myself to do this but it is taking a lot not to give up again.

I did 5 minutes last night on the second setting on my elliptical – since I was doing less I put it on a little harder.  Afterwards I felt a little dizzy, I need to remember to stay hydrated during the day and drink more water.

I remember when I was working out a couple years ago that I was drinking 6 bottles of water a day and I felt better. I need to push for that again, so I’m adding to my goal – drink more water.

I really want summer to come, everything is so dreary and with everything else going on I just need brightness. Still, working out tonight. I know I need to push through this and just deal with it.

Tonight is working off some easter food and keeping the toning going. I don’t want to give up now.

Working out and this blog has become a little release for me and I’m enjoying both. I want to focus on things that make me happy and that I enjoy. I know I will be okay and the first of any given holiday after such a loss is hard. I’m just hoping to take it out on a workout and not lay around like a lump.

I added a picture of James in the header so everyone can see that bright smile in my life.

It’s amazing how fast and active he is, but he’s a driving force in making myself healthy so I can keep up and watch him grow.

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