Showing ME

Dear Viking Nation and Healthy Gamer community,

I always tell you that it is okay to have a hard time or to feel down and to come talk to me or others when you hit against an invisible wall. I still believe in this but today I have to admit I never talk about myself. I never talk to people about who I really am or really feel because these are my problems. I’ve had my share of problems, I’ve had a horrible youth and life in certain aspects and when you ask people for help and they can’t help you, it discourages you even more to talk about it. I’ve been in a depression for quite a while and only the last couple of years it’s going better yet it doesn’t take much to throw me down that pit again, even for just a couple of days. I’m on the verge of a new, big step once again. I’m starting a new year in a new bachelor in a new college because I’ve been screwing up my academic life due to my mental state and simply no longer being able to hold on. As I’m writing this, I feel my stress and pain are making me sick, literally giving me stomach flue, which usually is the first thing that gets ill for me when I’m stressed. My eyes are blurry, the tears are rolling down my face and I can tell you now, if you feel triggered by this, don’t continue reading.

I’m so incredibly tired, I rarely sleep well and I feel alone, oh so alone, which I’ve been for… Well, all my life. Kind of funny to hear a 20-year old speak about his ‘whole’ life but time goes slow when you’re hurting. I’m not trying to get council from you nor am I expecting anything from you. I’m sharing ME right now because that’s what I ask you to do.

I have a feeling that all the classes, the work, the evenings coming home late at around 6 pm to go to sleep early because I have to get up at 6 am, are scaring me immensely. I’m afraid work will swallow me and I won’t find time to come to rest and find a peace of mind, which I haven’t felt in quite a while. I know I HAVE to get through this but that only makes it harder. My future depens on this. I can’t think about my future or even the next day because I start panicking and I completely shut down. My future is so bright, many people told me, but for me, it is too bright with too many expectations and it just seems too hard. I want to fight and give it all I have but I feel like I’ve been in that mode for over 4 years and I’m done being strong, I’m done being tough and I’m done being and doing everything alone.

I might have said a tenth of  what I feel or would like to say but continuing this would only purpose me in trying to confront myself with my feelings which isn’t the purpose of this post. If you break down like I just did, come here and write it up. Write every, single thought that comes up in your mind, everything you feel, your fears, your feelings, EVERYTHING.

And just watch, and see how quickly you’ll be moved by the people around here.

Darth Laser,
over and out.