This isn’t going to be a very long blog but I wanted to share something that bothers me. At night when I’m trying to sleep and all I can do is stare at the ceiling just feeling guilt. When I want to quit when things get difficult. When I need to take a break and come back to something. It is a funny thing to feel bad for surviving, right?
Survivor guilt is so shitty. Sometimes I will second guess my entire existence because I know of some people who never got to come home. Some were husbands, wives, sons, daughters, and all of them were willing to give the ultimate sacrifice for the people next to them in combat. Once you get home the danger isn’t over however because now you are fighting another insidious unseen enemy that lives in your head. The one that tells you that you aren’t safe and that it isn’t okay to go to sleep. I find myself wondering why I was allowed in the grand scheme of the universe to come home and others did not. It is an internal battle that I eventually have to try to let go and walk away before it consumes me. One of my battle buddies in my unit just lost his battle with his own internal demons and I can’t seem to get over it yet. That was almost me just a few years ago.
I am blessed because now when I feel my survivor’s guilt or my post traumatic stress kicking in I can yell back at it. I have a wonderful daughter who deserves a better life and a better father. I’m here to do that. It seems that I’m also here to try to encourage people to make healthier choices in life. Physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual for some folks. A #HealthyGamer lifestyle.
Thank you for giving my life more purpose and direction. I hope I can continue to encourage, inspire, and motivate those around me in real life and also on the Internet. My life feels like it has more meaning because I get to be a part of something so amazing. I can’t wait to see what else we can do in the following years.